Tebogo Khaas | No scribes, buffaloes, presidents, or egos were harmed in this Phala Phala missive – News24

Monday, 26 December
07 Dec
Former spy boss Arthur Fraser thought Dubai businessman Hazim Mustafa was a figment of Cyril Ramaphosa’s imagination. That was until he appeared on Sky News, writes Tebogo Khaas. 

First, the retired chief nton nton of umthetho had insinuated in his panel-beaters report that Mustafa is a figment of the part-time farmer’s imagination. For he decreed: “It is therefore not surprising that a journalist with News24, Mr. Kyle Cowan, reported that “[d]espite extensive searches, utilising various databases and online tools, News24 was not able to immediately verify [Mr.] Hazim’s identity.”
To everyone’s (but the learned trinity behind the Phala Phala report) bemusement, Mustafa gave UK’s not-pie-in-the-Sky News media an interview.
Reporting misinformation
While news that Mustafa really existed, some of our local media was huddled attentively at the commander-in-cheap-shots’ feet, absorbing and reporting on every bit of his gossip, lies, innuendo, misinformation, and insults to the clergy. They were even content with reporting misinformation regarding the president’s looming exit from politics. 
When this writer pointed out this (anomaly) on his Twitter timeline, some seasoned media practitioners experienced multiple hissy fits. I’d rather we spare them their deserved blushes. But I digress.
Secondly, our now-infamous Christmas Day buffaloes shopper, not only confirmed the purchase but also informed Sky News that he was experiencing acute buyer’s remorse considering the inordinate period it took Takealot-of-Time-to-Act game farmer (aka Ramapostponer) to fulfil the order. 
READ | Have you herd: Dubai businessman didn’t know Ramaphosa owned Phala Phala buffalo he bought – report
This comes after the trinity of learned jurists had cast aspersions on the veracity of the transaction when it declared: “The leaving of animals on the farm for over two years after paying more than half a million US$ for them, the absence of particulars of Mr. Hazim in the acknowledgement of receipt, the lack of explanation as what was to become of these animals, raise substantial doubt about the sale transaction itself.”
The Limpopo Economic Development, Environment and Tourism issued a statement in which it eviscerated doubts raised by the eminent about the duration it took to export the buffaloes through a statement which, in part, read: “[T]here is no legislative requirement that stipulates the timeframe of which the animals must be removed from the property where they have been sold.”
It seems that a first-class ticket for Arthur Fraser to Doha (venue for the World Cup finals where Mustafa was located) or a minibus taxi ride for the writer to Bela Bela could have yielded a “simple confirmatory affidavit from either of these individuals [that] would have been sufficient to put [the eminent jurists’] minds at rest.”
Third, it appears though, that Mustafa may not have the required receipts to prove that he indeed had permission to bring in the value of greenbacks he claims to have brought into these shores legitimately. This could be a serious poser for him if laws were broken, although he claimed to have declared these with our incorruptible officials at our porous OR Tambo International port of entry.
Still, he wants the occasional game farmer – a recent survivor of an attempted political putsch by a cackle of hyenas in his party – to pay back his money!
Morphed 
Some entrepreneurial tweeps have offered to broker delivery of his money for a fee, while this writer suggests that Mustafa come and fetch his precious dollars in person the same way he parted with these. I’d even throw in a recycled Gomma-Gomma couch for ease of freighting.
READ | Melanie Verwoerd: Phala Phala report – Let’s call BS and all calm down
I’d hope that the people who print our money, those who collect most of it after we have earned it, and our professional cash-in-transit tsotsis lay in wait for Mustafa outside of Phala Phala as he joins the N1 highway. That way, in Mufasa, the Hawks would have a high-profile low, hanging, rich fruit to pick while the rest could also take their chances.
Meanwhile, thanks to the national Tiger’s political acumen, and in spite of his bumbling self, the president of Ankole Breeders of Azania has somewhat morphed into a cunning political schemer. He seems to have mastered the teachings of Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War, who wrote: “Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.”
As the apex court readies itself to host an expected bevy of silks and crimplenes, spare a thought and a prayer for our ministers of leisure-and-monate-mpolaye and the uncooperative-and-ungovernable opportunists, who have been baying for the blood of a seemingly wounded buffalo. Their first-class gravy train ride seems utterly untenable what with an emboldened buffalo in their coach.
– Tebogo Khaas is a (sometimes) social commentator.
*Minor edits on article were made after publication
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