Life-hacks for the Estonian society – how to be polite in Estonia

Lisanna Kuningas, the operations manager of a hotel in Tallinn, offers some life hacks for navigating politeness in Estonian society.

Estonians are often stereotyped as cold, hard to reach and unapproachable. Supposedly, we don’t speak, don’t make eye contact or do any of the other things that might suggest we feel comfortable around strangers. Yet for many Estonians, the reality is quite the opposite – and many international residents find that, over time, these stereotypes are either debunked or at least confined to the public sphere.

The coldness usually melts away within a few minutes of the first introduction. It often begins with a warm, “Hello, welcome to Estonia. Why did you come here?” To this, you may safely reply: “To work as a software developer,” “to study” or “to live with my Estonian girlfriend.” All other answers are unacceptable. Try saying, “I visited and liked it,” “I like the cold” or “God told me to,” and you will be subjected to a serious interrogation along the lines of, “But why are you really here?”

So, what should you actually know about Estonian politeness?

First things first – silence is something of a birthright for us. We tend to gravitate towards quiet places: the forest, the sea (white noise does not count) or, at the other extreme, places that help us forget how much there is to complain about here – nightclubs, outdoor bars and concerts.

For many Estonians, Tallinn is a hellscape of noise. With its baffling city planning that prioritises cars, it is becoming less an Estonian-friendly city and more a stage on which people pretend others care what model BMW they drive. Hence the unspoken rule: please, do not add to the noise.

The Estonian personal space bubble has two dimensions

In all seriousness, the most important thing to understand about public life in Estonia is that it largely comes down to respecting people’s personal bubbles – and Estonian bubbles are probably bigger than you are used to. So far, two dimensions of the Estonian personal space bubble have been discovered: space and volume.

Space is the obvious one. Step aside on the street and in shops when people need to pass. However, if you bump into someone, do not say anything, because if you do not acknowledge it, it did not happen – and all may be forgiven. In short, try to make sure no one notices you exist and give people plenty of space so they can avoid contact with you.

Volume is more subtle. The threshold at which something becomes “too loud” – an entirely subjective value, of course – is lower than in most other cultures. All may be forgiven if the noise is positive and light-hearted, preferably in a higher register, such as laughter. But only in small bursts – and it is best practice to look immediately embarrassed for having let yourself go like that.

This habit has evolved into an “if you cannot hear them, they do not exist” approach, which is a very comfortable little pretence for an Estonian.

Some general guidelines

In public

Be quiet and avoid eye contact – but feel free to stare when the other person is not looking. Estonians love doing this.

Do not spit on the ground. Actually, just do not spit at all. Yes, people still do it, but it is gross.

When wearing shoes, do not put your feet up in the cinema or in a restaurant – should you ever get to go somewhere like that again. Oh, 2019, how we miss you.

In shops, say “Tere”, “Aitäh” and “Head aega”.

At the doctor’s, wait to be called in. You do not need to knock.

On public transport, never stand in front of the door. If you do, you will have to step out at every stop to let other people leave.

On public transport, give up your seat to elderly people, pregnant women and parents with small children.

A word of warning: people working in shops, especially in malls, will not rush over to ask whether you need help. In fact, they may even ignore you when you walk in. This is normal and strongly supported by the locals.

With other people

Avoid asking “How are you?” unless you are genuinely interested in receiving a real answer. In Estonia, the phrase is not a greeting.

Being late, especially without warning, is generally considered rude and inconsiderate.

Take off your shoes when visiting an Estonian’s home.

Bring something to share when visiting an Estonian’s home. They will always say you do not need to bring anything, but do it anyway. It will make people like you.

Remember: Estonians on the street and Estonians you actually meet may leave you with completely different impressions. The age-old suggestion to buy them beer and get them into a sauna, at least in the case of men, still tends to work. If you are looking for tips on how to make friends with Estonian women, good luck.

Have fun and remember: do not come too close.

The opinions in this article are those of the author. This article was originally published on 25 January 2022.